In the country I’m from, to be successful you have three career choices: doctor, engineer, or lawyer. I internalized those ideas before I could speak English. From the time I assimilated in the United States, I loved writing content. At 10 years old, I sat on our Dell computer in my mother’s living room and wrote until my eyes ached. I wrote poems about Greek gods and stories about knights going on heroic adventures. Soon after, my mom hired me as her secretary. I’d type up her correspondences, all unpaid. It’s an ongoing joke in our family. In school, my writing assignments were always too long. Yet teachers encouraged me to write more after noticing my passion.

I knew I wanted an English degree long before getting into college. After reading my college essay, our beloved librarian, Ms. Post told me I had to become a writer. I would soon disappoint her. I loved to write, but making a living meant becoming a doctor, engineer, or lawyer. 

Out of the three paths pre-chosen for me, lawyer felt closest to my obsession with words. So, I told myself I wanted to be a lawyer. I interned at law offices to gain experience. I took Kaplan and PowerScore courses to study for the Law School Admission Test (LSAT). I attended info sessions for law schools. My lethargy at those events did not ring any alarm bells. I was blind to the many creative paths I could have taken outside of publishing books. I yearned to be “successful” in the eyes of my loved ones. The desire felt like a never-ending whisper breathing down my neck.

Leading up to graduation in 2017, I became a Fulbright Scholar. The initiative to help offset the cultural climate between Mexico and the U.S. motivated me. I approached engaging with and helping Mexican students with their English with excitement. In my spare time, I continued to study for the LSAT despite my busy schedule.

I became a paralegal when I returned to Boston. Drafting legal documents took the joy out of writing. Like many others during the pandemic, I quit my job to pursue happiness. I joined Resilient Coders, a computer science bootcamp in Boston. I learned JavaScript and built an application for people to practice languages. After 6 grueling months, I received a Web Development Certificate. and joined Rhino as a front-end engineer. I had a manager who paired with me often, and shared resources that enhanced my skills over time. 

Despite my strides that following year, my engineering team at Rhino got laid off. I sought out full-time roles, but my skills were not in alignment with what employers wanted. Getting my role at Rhino was easy compared to this new challenge. After two years of trying, I stopped fighting this uphill battle. I realized being passionate about your job is necessary to weather hard times. I never obsessed over code. I always fussed over writing as a means to connect with people. Making this realization so late in the game made me angry at myself. I had wasted a lot of time pursuing jobs I didn’t care about. While I lament the time lost, I don’t want to waste more of it.

As 2024 nears an end, I am turning the page. I am going back to writing. It’s terrifying, but not half as terrifying as my prior willingness to work without passion. Failing at writing has the power to break my heart, but I am no longer letting that fear stop me from trying.